At a mother’s group when my daughter was very small one mom told of sitting in a hospital waiting room while her husband was having a biopsy. 

                The parents next to them said their two-year old was having all his rotten baby teeth capped because they put him to bed with a bottle of milk or juice every night.  She wanted to warn other mothers about the dangers of giving children anything other than water in a bottle at night.

               Another mother in the group said of her chubby three-year-old, “We tried that, but she fusses, even if we dilute it, she knows and throws a fit.”

               Who is the adult in your household? I asked inside my head. 

               Yes, most of us grew up in dysfunctional households.  We didn’t learn to set boundaries appropriately.  We try to give our kids whatever we didn’t get.  Our parents did the same for us, and theirs for them to a certain extent.

               But whether we grew up with alcoholism, drug abuse, wife abuse, workaholism or an absent parent, a choice to become parents ourselves is a commitment to be responsible for another person.   Being responsible means we must set boundaries – both for ourselves and especially for our children. 

               So what if your daughter fusses for three nights in a row about not having a bottle of milk in bed with her? I wanted to say to that mother.   She obviously isn’t in need of it nutritionally.  You’d rather not hear her fuss for a half hour for half a week now even if it practically guarantees she’ll have a mouth full of rotten teeth for the rest of her life.  At three she’d be better off using a regular cup or sippy cup anyhow.

               That reminds me of the La Leche League mother I heard talk about not feeding her baby solids because she didn’t want him to become less dependent on her.

               Are we having children so we can foist our psychological dysfunctions on them?

               Our Illinois neighbor constantly screamed “No, Tommy, stop that” at the top of his lungs in a usually futile effort to control and manipulate his six-year old son.  We were the ones who picked the kid off the front window of his parents' van before he fell on the concrete drive we shared.

               That’s not setting boundaries or appropriate limits either.

               A friend once advised me to only say no to my daughter when it matters.  “Danger, that’s electrical” works for light cords.  “You’re hurting him” helps protect the arthritic old cat.   National Public Radio ran a feature on Einstein saying as a two-year-old he spilled a quart of milk on the kitchen floor.  His mother let him play in it before she made him help clean it up. 
                Setting boundaries is something we must continue to do for ourselves throughout our lives if we want to be healthy.  Yes, I love hot-fudge sundaes, but I value being fit and healthy at least as much, so I don't eat one every day.